“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family” – Elder Russell M. Ballard
Hello! Well its a nasty rainy day outside! I was enjoying writing outside under the porch but it started pouring! Well o left off after memaws funeral. I feel like once the funeral is over people just expect everyone to go back to normal or at least the new normal. I guess being a CNA for so many years my job was done once my patients passed away i didn’t get to see the after math. I remember going to her tombstone and just talking to her non of this felt real at all. Excuse me if i repeat myself! That woman was not just a grandmother to me…. She was my best friend and to be honest im ashamed at how i handled it.i lost great grandparents when i was younger but i dont really remember it. The closest thing i had lost was our precious dog Maya who i swear was more human than dog. I didnt handle that well at all i had a hard time with the grief i felt losing our maya chu! Somedays i still cry because i miss her! She was my little shadow. I remember thinking when she died “Oh CRAP!” If losing my dog hurts this bad I cant imagine losing someone I love so much. Death is a huge fear for me. Not so much a fear of me dying but of losing someone i love so much. Its never been a secret that I love hard and i hurt hard. I did ok for a couple days and weeks and tried for the kids to always put on a happy face. Then the shock wore off. I talked to the hospice counselor and she put it into perspective for me she said think about it like this when you have surgery the anesthesia last about 4-6 hours. Grief is alot like that somewhere between 4-6 days or even 4-6 weeks the numbness wears off and you feel everything. My memaw is someone i saw every single day and we talked on the phone for hours multiple times a day and the pain was almost too much to bare! Well Josh and i had started arguing some because i had changed. I wasn’t the happy Carlie everyone was used to. I am embarrassed to say that the kids had way more screen time than i would like to admit but i still was mommy. I did bathe time and dinner and stories before bed but kids feel things and they knew mommys fire had burnt out. I feel so guilty for that. My memaw buried her 19 year old daughter Sonia who i named my youngest in memory of. She had to do something no parent should ever have to do and of course it changed her but she kept going for her other three children. So the guilt I felt not working through this grief made me ashamed. Luckily now im starting to work through it. Well our living arrangement was not something permanent and we knew we had till new years day to find somewhere to go. Thanksgiving was weird and sad but i enjoyed every second with my mom and my brother (sister couldnt come up) and most importantly my 3 girls. Josh was dealing with his own grief which is usually him shutting down ( josh does not like his life put on blast so i try not to put his story in here but he loved memaw so much she called him her superman and actually the last name she spoke was josh) christmas came around and it was a strange one but falling asleep with mu girls in my arms was heavenly! I remember one of the sweetest things my sister in law said after memaw passed and she said hey memaw knows what we are having (they didnt find out the gender until birth) just thought id share that beautiful moment… Two days before christmas my car blew up for good this time. So here i am no car and having to move with my precious babies!!!! Can you say scared beyond belief!!!!! Well the next part is going to be the hardest… Dfacs gets involved but i have to wipe my tears and get ready for that post! Hopefully i will have it up tonight. Like i said its raw and painful so i have to take little breaks! Love you all
Peace and love,
The anxious mommy
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