“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family” – Elder Russell M. Ballard

Hello! Well its a nasty rainy day outside! I was enjoying writing outside under the porch but it started pouring! Well o left off after memaws funeral. I feel like once the funeral is over people just expect everyone to go back to normal or at least the new normal. I guess being a CNA for so many years my job was done once my patients passed away i didn’t get to see the after math. I remember going to her tombstone and just talking to her non of this felt real at all. Excuse me if i repeat myself! That woman was not just a grandmother to me…. She was my best friend and to be honest im ashamed at how i handled it.i lost great grandparents when i was younger but i dont really remember it. The closest thing i had lost was our precious dog Maya who i swear was more human than dog. I didnt handle that well at all i had a hard time with the grief i felt losing our maya chu! Somedays i still cry because i miss her! She was my little shadow. I remember thinking when she died “Oh CRAP!” If losing my dog hurts this bad I cant imagine losing someone I love so much. Death is a huge fear for me. Not so much a fear of me dying but of losing someone i love so much. Its never been a secret that I love hard and i hurt hard. I did ok for a couple days and weeks and tried for the kids to always put on a happy face. Then the shock wore off. I talked to the hospice counselor and she put it into perspective for me she said think about it like this when you have surgery the anesthesia last about 4-6 hours. Grief is alot like that somewhere between 4-6 days or even 4-6 weeks the numbness wears off and you feel everything. My memaw is someone i saw every single day and we talked on the phone for hours multiple times a day and the pain was almost too much to bare! Well Josh and i had started arguing some because i had changed. I wasn’t the happy Carlie everyone was used to. I am embarrassed to say that the kids had way more screen time than i would like to admit but i still was mommy. I did bathe time and dinner and stories before bed but kids feel things and they knew mommys fire had burnt out. I feel so guilty for that. My memaw buried her 19 year old daughter Sonia who i named my youngest in memory of. She had to do something no parent should ever have to do and of course it changed her but she kept going for her other three children. So the guilt I felt not working through this grief made me ashamed. Luckily now im starting to work through it. Well our living arrangement was not something permanent and we knew we had till new years day to find somewhere to go. Thanksgiving was weird and sad but i enjoyed every second with my mom and my brother (sister couldnt come up) and most importantly my 3 girls. Josh was dealing with his own grief which is usually him shutting down ( josh does not like his life put on blast so i try not to put his story in here but he loved memaw so much she called him her superman and actually the last name she spoke was josh) christmas came around and it was a strange one but falling asleep with mu girls in my arms was heavenly! I remember one of the sweetest things my sister in law said after memaw passed and she said hey memaw knows what we are having (they didnt find out the gender until birth) just thought id share that beautiful moment… Two days before christmas my car blew up for good this time. So here i am no car and having to move with my precious babies!!!! Can you say scared beyond belief!!!!! Well the next part is going to be the hardest… Dfacs gets involved but i have to wipe my tears and get ready for that post! Hopefully i will have it up tonight. Like i said its raw and painful so i have to take little breaks! Love you all

Peace and love,

The anxious mommy

“Mothers, the glue that holds evwrything together even when she feels like she may fall apart” – author unknown

Well before I start part two I want to make a PSA….First off this blog is not one I am posting on any social media site just yet or if ever. So if you are reading this I have been led to send this to you knowing that your prayers are genuine and this won’t be leaked to everyone in Gainesville! This is raw and emotional. This could be triggering to some and also may cause some anxiety… (at least it sure does for me! This post is by no means a way for you to feel sorry for me or to have any pity on me. I really needed some prayer partners that could pray for the last year we have been through! One day I plan on writing my life story which goes even deeper than this but as for now here is the last year of my life in my own words! Buckle up it’s one heck of a ride) Well in part one I left of at the motel that we were staying at. We were beyond thankful to have a bed to sleep in but also very scared. We stayed there for a week and we were so blessed from the grocery store next door who’s owner my family has known forever, they helped feed us and make sure we had food and clothes for not only the girls but ourselves as well! We couldn’t believe how blessed we truly were. Our week ended at the motel and we didn’t really have anywhere to go so the girls stayed with our friends for a couple days and Josh and I stayed in the car. Josh started a new job at a chicken plant which we were so very thankful for but when you don’t have a shower and sleep in your car for 5 days the smell is quite putrid! During the day while Joshua worked I would take the girls and bathe and clothe them then we would keep as busy as possible while daddy worked! INK and the park and crafts and anything to make their summer as happy as possible! We spent a lot of our time at the Alzheimer’s ward of the assisted living home that my precious memaw was living in! The girls loved being there! I would shower “Beamer” and curl her hair and my kids loved to spend time with all of the other residents! Some of my favorite memories were sitting on the swing rocking with her and looking out at the lake! Josh was enjoying his job until he got bit by a brown recluse in multiple places on his arm (could have been multiple spiders) he ended up back at the hospital with streptococcus A from the infection the spider left. He had to leave that job because he was so very sick! So again no job (I was still working the same job I’d been working for 12 years) and a car that was literally falling apart inch by inch. I will never forget having a 100 dollars to our name and I looked at Josh who smelled of old chicken waste and the girls said “mommy, daddy really stinks!) I told them that was rude and he just replied with “baby they are right I can’t smell myself one more day!” So we got 69 dollars and checked into the closest semi safest hotel room that we could find! I think my kids thought it was Disney land and Josh took about an hour shower! I actually sat on the bed and cried. My family was so happy to spend the night in a lower star hotel… They (myself included) had never had to live like this…. We all snuggled up and we were all clean and watched a movie in the bed! It’s absolutely amazing the things you take for granted! After that day a wonderful family member of ours put us up in a nice hotel in town with a pool and two beds, cable tv a clean bath tub and even a laundry room! Honestly we felt like royalty and enjoyed every single second of it! We were even close enough to meet my mom at the college near by to enjoy a cover band play some awesome music!!! We spent most days in the pool with the girls and enjoyed every second…. the staff was exceptional! Unfortunately our week was up and we were back to square one. We happened to be visiting my sweet memer Beamer at her assisted living home and one of the sweet nurses came up to me and said God had laid it on her heart for me Josh and the girls so come stay with her! So we moved in around August and it was such a blessing. The girls had room to run and play! There were chickens that laid eggs which the girls loved to collect! There were three dogs and including our cat Louie there were 3 cats! They had Netflix and we played karaoke we had such a great time! Then October came around and my memaw fell ill. Her Alzheimer’s progressed and it was bad our sweet friend/landlord actually actually quit her job to spend the last bit of time with my precious memaw I will never forget the last words she said to me on September 28th 2019 “I love you so dang dang much” those words will be Etched in my memory for the rest of time…. her breathing started to labor and our sweet friend D sat with her day in and day out. On Saturday October the 5th I had the pleasure to sit and spend time with her all day I sang our song to her “chances are” by Johnny Mathis and I crawled up in the bed with her and just wanted her to hold me one last time. I whispered in her ear that I would take care of everyone and it was ok for her to go be with her mom and dad and her daughter who passed away in a car accident at 19 years old. I promised I’d be there when it was time for her to go. (A promise I should have never kept) Our sweet friends let us stay with them so I would be close if something happened. Things looked ok so I decided to run to my friends house and take a shower and I get a message from my mom that said “bug her breathing is getting more labored I think it’s time” I rushed to get ready, kissed the kids who were already sleeping and Josh and I rushed out the door. I got a call on the way there which was only 10 minutes away saying “bug she’s gone” Being a CNA for so many years especially in Alzheimer’s hospice I had prepared the family for what was going to happen the only thing I didn’t do was prepare myself. We got to my aunts house and she had passed with both of her daughters by her side. I guess I went into shock because I started pushing Josh and saying please just make her heart beat one more time I have to be here when it stops. He finally grabbed me and held me and said “baby she’s gone” the rest of the night was kind of a blur but I realized what the date was October the 6th memaws mother my great grandmother mamaw’s birthday! What a beautiful day to go she got to greet Jesus and run into her mothers arms on her birthday. I remember practicing singing our song together because one time when she was lucid she told me when something happens to her she wants me to sing our song at her funeral! I was bound and determined I was going to do it! Even if it hurt! I remember getting ready for the viewing at the funeral home. It felt so surreal especially because my best friend from childhoods grandmother was at the same funeral home because she died the day before. Haley and I had been through so many firsts together from the crib on and I loved going with her to her momsies (her grandmothers) house! I never thought this would be something we would be going through together! I am thankful for the time I got to spend with memaw and momsie at the assisted living facility! I remember we had food for us even though I didn’t really feel like eating and I remember telling my girls what this day represented. I didn’t think it was a good idea for the girls to look inside the casket (heck I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to either) I was trying to stay strong for my mom and aunt and uncle but I was dying inside I could barely breathe! They did a family viewing first and my curious little Lakeleigh wanted to say goodbye so her daddy held her up and let her say goodbye luckily at age 4 she didn’t quite understand. My 6 year old Raleigh refused and I told her that was completely fine. Jaelie decided to wait a while. My husband held my hand and walked me up to the casket and he almost had to catch me. I couldn’t breathe and almost had a panic attack right then and there. How could the woman who had been my rock and been there for all of us be lying in a casket! It just didn’t seem true!! We strangely took a picture of the whole family the family she created! Our patriarch! Then people started filing in to visit… the hugs were so very welcome but also I just wanted it to stop it just made it so much more real! The slide show the pictures, everything I just wanted to say ok this is a dream now everyone leave!!!! We buried her on the next day which happened to be October 11, 2019 the birthday of her late Sonia who past away in the 70’s that I mentioned earlier. In some strange way I think God let her pass on her mothers birthday and be buried on her daughters birthday! It really was beautiful. The service was gorgeous and my brother and sister did a phenomenal job describing her to a T! I was so choked up I didn’t know how I was going to even sing! My cousin Sean and I got up and sang amazing grace to his guitar playing! Then it was time for me to sing “our song” the song we listened to over and over again as we drove to Tennessee together or just when memaw was in a johnny mood. Well you know what they say, God gives you some kind of numbing to get through the funeral process. That is so true I sang our song and my voice didn’t even crack! I feel I did her proud. I was kind of a zombie for the next couple days and then the shock started to wear off.  Y’all I am going to have to make a part 3 because part 2 was really hard to write! Please stay tuned!!! Love you all 

Peace and love

The anxious mommy

Motherhood: A choice you make everyday, to put someone elses happiness and well-being ahead of your own. To teach the hard lessons. To do the right thing even when your not sure what the right thing is… And to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong in your mind –

Donna Ball

hello everyone i am going to try and use this blog because I am having some issues with the other one! First of all i want to start by saying i absolutely love being a mom. In my homeschool year book I remember being asked what i wanted to be when i grew up! I kid you not i wrote wife and mom! That has always been my dream! Its been hard but oh so worth it! By writing this blog i by no means want pity but i could use prayers here is part one of my blog i had started its a year in our life! Its raw and personal so beware if you are triggered easily