Motherhood: A choice you make everyday, to put someone elses happiness and well-being ahead of your own. To teach the hard lessons. To do the right thing even when your not sure what the right thing is… And to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong in your mind –
Donna Ball
hello everyone i am going to try and use this blog because I am having some issues with the other one! First of all i want to start by saying i absolutely love being a mom. In my homeschool year book I remember being asked what i wanted to be when i grew up! I kid you not i wrote wife and mom! That has always been my dream! Its been hard but oh so worth it! By writing this blog i by no means want pity but i could use prayers here is part one of my blog i had started its a year in our life! Its raw and personal so beware if you are triggered easily
Hello everyone! welcome to my new blog! I am still connected to the cray at home mom blog. Though I needed to have an outlet to talk out some of my anxieties and fears and I don’t want it posted on my regular blog! Sorry for the radio silence from me for so long this has all been so hard that I have honestly had a hard time even putting it into words. I am coming to y’all with a whole new perspective on life…. Unfortunately its not one I have ever wanted to know! I guess I should start at the beginning! Well about this time last year things started getting really bad! I was so sick with very low iron…. I was in desperate need of a hysterectomy! I was caring for my grandmother that had Alzheimers disease and it was terrible to see her so sick. I was driving my husband to work every single morning an hour and a half before I had to have Raleigh (our 7 year old who was 6 at the time) to school, a school she hated BTW! My mornings were always so crazy, but I loved every second of them! I would wrap my babies up in their blankets and put them in their carseats and snuggle them up all warm and cozy. Then Josh and I would drive and honestly I loved that time together! The babies sleeping in the back seat, time to just spend together just the two of us! We would listen to music and talk or laugh and we would listen to my books on tape. He would act like he didn’t like the books I listened to but he sure would follow along. We would pray over our kids and our marriage and our families and it was such beautiful moments. I would drop him off and make the trip back to town. I loved those moments too… still hearing sounds of the girls peacefully sleeping and I would listen to worship music or finish the chapter in my book. I guess some people would hate to drive that far every day but not me! I feel alive when I am behind the wheel with the right song playing, speaking to my soul! People underestimate the power of lyrics and beats of a song. The power of a song can change everything for one person. My husband can tell exactly what mood I am just by the song I play! A great song is compiled of beautiful beats and just the right words for just the right person. A song has the power to heal you. Listening to the words of songs like fast car by Tracy Chapman and feeling the music move you is the best medicine. That song speaks to me now days in so many ways. Anyways I would drive back, often looking at the girls in the backseat with those sweet little baby faces, how lucky am I to have such sweet babies! God truly has blessed me by giving me such wonderful children! As soon as I would get back home I would pick Memaw up at my aunts house I would make raleighs lunch and get her ready for school, drop her off then drop off my Laker girl! Then I would spend that time with memaw enjoying doing her hair or just “piddling” (as she would say) Summer was so much fun because memaw and the girls would play for hours! Alzheimer’s disease is such a horrible disease though in those quiet moments where the girls and memaw would play Barbies and baby dolls it was just peaceful and she was so happy to smile and feel like a child again! In August we moved into some apartments that we were living in and it made things a lot harder because my memaw was getting worse and our space was a lot smaller so it was pretty much a disaster. Memaw’s Alzheimers had progressed and now she thought everything her eyes saw was hers! Going shopping with her was quite interesting we had to do a pocket check every time we left the store! Then Christmas came along and I noticed my ornaments were getting scarce. Bless her heart she loved and wanted them so much! If I would have known it was going to be my last Christmas with her I would have let the laundry sit and spend more time watching Christmas movies and snuggling with her! One of my favorite memories as a child was going over to her house and drinking hot tea and watching our favorite Christmas movie together “Its A Wonderful Life” oh how I loved that time with her! Things started getting harder but I kept pushing forward to try and keep it all together. Well March comes around and I was so weak I could barely get out of the bed. I was in desperate need of a hysterectomy with very low iron. My mom and her siblings decided it was time to put memaw somewhere that she could have constant care! Luckily it was right behind our apartments. We got many calls to come get her to take her medication, she would always call Josh her superman and boy did he love her as much as she loved him. It started to get really bad at home and even got to the point that I would let the dishes pile up and the laundry get bad, all I could do was lay there and we watched a lot of movies. My iron got so low and my low blood sugar didn’t help that I was passing out a lot. March 27th 2019 I went in for a hysterectomy we had plans to stay at my best friends apartment literally right across the road from us. So I come home to my friends apartment and everyone is giving me the hard love of “LAY DOWN AND REST!!!” I couldn’t lay still knowing my babies needed their mommy! That’s what I am, I am a mom and a wife! That’s the beautiful blessing the Lord has given me! That has always been my dream! I know that is what I have always wanted and God granted me that dream, oh what I would do to have that title right now! (I still have that title but I will explain what I mean later on in this post) I woke up the next morning and I was in more pain than I had been in since I had my surgery and I knew it was wayyyyy past time to take my medication so of course I am looking for Joshua and he is no where to be found. I walk over to my apartment and there he was. The apartment looked kind of like a crime scene and I was mortified. I saw the precious love of my life passed out with vomit everywhere. I pulled him outside to the stairway, I should not have been pulling him out because I looked down at my gray tank top and it was covered in blood. I was splitting open my wounds. I didn’t care about my wounds at this point I was hysterical, worried about my husband. My sweet friend k helped me with Joshua and called 911 for me. The paramedics got to our home and helped me get Joshua into the ambulance. I ended up meeting him at the hospital and I had to end up getting my stitches sewn back together. They diagnosed Joshua with diverticulitis and ecoli running through his intestines and his bowels. They called me up there at one point and said there was nothing they could do. The doctors had given him 11 antibiotics at this point and nothing was helping, they couldn’t get his vomiting under control and the ecoli was causing a lot of strain on his other organs. I was terrified and didn’t want to lose my husband. I remember crawling into bed with him at the hospital and just prayed over him and wouldn’t you know the 12th antibiotic actually worked and he started feeling much better! Well we thought our troubles were over but unfortunately it was just the beginning. We had made a verbal agreement with the apartments we were living at but their bosses from the main office trumped our agreement and we found out we had to move. Two weeks after surgery I am packing up my house and have no where to go! we had wonderful friends who helped with the kids and packing while we were healing. We got a call from some friends that we had become very close to and they offered us their home to live in while we healed. We were so very thankful! We were taking our last load to their house which was about 38 minutes away and wouldn’t you know it our vans head gasket blew half way there! I just wanted to cry! luckily we were able to put water in the car and drive it quite slowly to the house, it stopped two or three times but we were bound and determined to get that van to the house because it was packed to the brim with our belongs. We finally coasted it down the hill to the house and finally could breathe a little even though I knew we weren’t going to have a vehicle and My girls had two more weeks of school. I always liked to go visit my Memaw every day but praise the Lord I had help from my friend who we lived with! We finally started settling in and lucky me they had a new baby boy who I got to snuggle and rock to sleep. I definitely had baby fever after having my hysterectomy. My girls were so happy they had tons of yard to run in and they helped plant fruits and veggies! They loved playing in the water hose and getting as dirty as they possibly could! We were there for a couple months and the couple had to move due to mold being in the ceiling and they just didn’t have room for all of us to go. So on we went. I started feeling like little nomadic camels. My oh so determined husband finally got our van working again praise the Lord. We were lucky our family put us up in a hotel for a week until we could find something else. Every homeless shelter in our town was completely full. We went to a job\housing fair at one of our local parks. We were able to get signed up and stay at one of the local shelters. Though our stay there was not an easy one. We had to be out by 7:30am every morning and had to be signed back in by 4:30pm every evening. This was very difficult because my husbands new job was past those hours and they wouldn’t budge at all on letting him stay till work was over. The rules were so strict that we pulled onto the property at 4:29pm one day and got written up for being one minute early! During the hours we weren’t at the shelter I tried to make the day time as much fun as I possibly could. We went to INK and the park a lot and we would go visit our sweet dog Sakari who we had to surrender to a rescue shelter because the shelter we were living at didn’t allow pets. I am so thankful my cat Louie is a certified service animal for my anxiety so he was able to come with us! Sakari was eventually adopted and we got to meet her new owner that I feel very confident was going to give her a beautiful life. Well we ended up getting written up again because I kept a bath mat (more like one of those hotel towels) in front of the bath tub so the girls didn’t slip around on the floor and they said it had to be picked up every morning before we left and I was in such a hurry one day I forgot. A couple days later I was having some car trouble and we were not able to get to the shelter until 4:40 and we were told we had to leave. I was beyond terrified at this point but I kept trying to keep the faith and show the girls it was going to be ok. We used a lot of our checks to go to staying at motels. I was even more of a helicopter mom than usual, I kept those girls attached to my hip never taking my eyes off them for a second
I am going to poat part two next blog 🙂
Peace and love,
The anxious mommy
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